


Figuring out your sexuality is a confusing process for everyone, so don't worry about it

by Noore_setare



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Getting Together, Gintoki is an idiot, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Someone Help These Two, diamond perfume to the rescue, pining hijikata
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29362932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noore_setare/pseuds/Noore_setare
Summary: their bodies were pressed together, their faces a hair width apart, noses brushing against each other, and teeth threatening to bite the other’s lips. The picture in front of her, crossed out all meanings of social distancing in every dictionary.It was in that tense moment, Tsukuyo had that thought, that one thought that began this whole fic.‘Oh, they must be gay for each other.’In which, Diamond Perfume take it upon themselves, to get Gintoki and Hijikata together. No matter what it takes.
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 16
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

It was no secret that Tsukuyo has feelings for Gintoki. Of course, at first she tried to deny it, but as time went on, it became harder for her to ignore him and her feelings grew stronger. Although, after the love potion incident, it became clear that Gintoki was not the kind of guy who would easily be tied down to one person. So her feelings subsided but of course the care and affection still remained. Besides, what kind of a woman in her right mind would fall in love with that good-for-nothing, shitty man, who gambles and drinks, has stinky feet, picks his nose, and has stinky feet? Oh, she said that twice.

But of course, even though that damned man has all of the above attributes and more, at some point, he ends up in people’s hearts, and those people stick and follow him. Some like her and Sachan(maybe Tae and Kyuubei too, who knows) get attracted to him. Case in point, got proved right in front of her one night.

It became a normal occurrence that mostly everyone gather around with each other to either drink or just have a fun time. Tonight was one of those times. They were at Otose’s bar. She was sitting behind the counter, managing to get away from the loud bunch. She winced when Otae punched that gorilla commander – probably for breathing -, making him fall into Gintoki’s lap. Gintoki in return, instead of helping him, pushed him off onto the table, making the drinks spill. And of course that loud sunglasses man –his name was Sakamoto or something- just had to snort his drink and spray it on the table, creating a bigger mess and causing more punches to fly. Otose –bless her- only sighed and shook her head, knowing it would prove useless yelling at these drunkards and only called for Tama to clean up the mess. Though if one could look closely enough, they would see she had a small smile.

Tsukuyo couldn’t judge her, she was the same. She turned her back to resume her smoking, when a heavy body plopped down to the seat next to her.

“Fucking moron.” It was the demon vice commander, grumbling with a fresh bruise blooming on his cheek. “Granny, give me something strong, please.”

Otose raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”

A scowl appeared on his face, though his anger wasn’t directed at her. “Unless you don’t want me to be responsible for the murder of that piece of shit, then you better give me something that can knock me out before that happens.”

Otose snorted, then she pulled a cup and an ashtray to place it in front of him. She then went to pull out a bottle of alcohol, placing it in front of him before going away to tend to others. Hijikata-san’s tense muscles relaxed, seeing the older woman’s attempt to calm him down.

When he pulled out his pack of cigarettes, it was then he took notice of the presence next to him. For a moment, their eyes appraised each other in silence. Hijikata-san then nodded to her, respect in his eyes. She was a bit surprised, after all, she expected of him to be a bit more exasperated because she was acquainted with the Yorozuya, but apparently he deemed her no trouble. She nodded back and they both turned back to face the bar.

None of them spoke with each other, the loud obnoxious laughter and the breaking glasses filling the silence between them. She debated whether or not to speak with him, after all even though they sometimes saw each other-like that time they all fought Sadasada- they never directly spoke with each other.

She fidgeted a bit in her seat before gathering courage and spoke up. “That must’ve hurt a lot.” She regretted it immediately when she saw his questioning eyes flicking to her.

She only knows how to seduce men due her work, outside of that, she can barely have a normal conversation with them! Obviously Gintoki doesn’t count, he’s not normal by any standards.

Either Kami-sama took mercy on her or her inner distress was visible to the black-haired man beside her. He seemed to contemplate her before he turned back to the counter.

“When that bastard’s drunk, his punches thankfully lose his freakishly strength,” he paused then added, “doesn’t make him less annoying unfortunately.” He grumbled. He finally lit the cigarette between his fingers, and then he took a drag, the hard lines on his face fading as he did so.

She hummed and smoked her own kiseru, before voicing out, “Though it won’t stop you from coming next time.”

Just like all the other times. Every time those two were with each other, either out drinking like tonight or bumping each other in day, they were always at each other’s throats, warning the people around them to steer clear of them. But Tsukuyo remembers a short memory, of a brief moment in the heat of a fight.

* * *

She was focused on defending herself, but she remembers that for a short second her eyes wandered to that white yukata. A blade was about to pierce his shoulder and she was too far away, she couldn’t reach him. Out of nowhere, a black figure ran past her, making the wind dance in her hair. He shoved Gintoki away, and parried the enemy’s blade with his own, creating sparks. He pushed the sword away, managing to slash his chest, but failed to notice another coming at him. Before he could be cut down, a bokuto striked upwards, hitting the enemy’s jaw and sending him flying with the force of it. All of that happened in just a few seconds. After that, those two joined forces, trusting the other with protecting his back while he did so in return. The way they fought together till the end of the fight, was fierce and animalistic. If she wanted to describe them, they were like beasts.

* * *

Brought back to the moment of present, she watched the man next to her, thinking about her words while his cigarette hung between his lips.

“Nope, I guess it won’t.” He finally answered. He took the cigarette away and blew smoke into the air, adding thoughtfully with his brows furrowed. “Maybe I have some kind of brain damage or something. I should appoint for a CAT scan.” His face looked so confused and serious that she couldn’t help the small chuckles escaping.

“Did someone say cat?” That cat amanto, Catherine if she wasn’t mistaken, slid into the seat next to the police officer, puckering her lips and wriggling her eyebrows in what she thought was a seductive manner.

“No one was talking about you.” Hijikata-san dryly told her.

“Aww, you sure? I’ve been told I’m a good listener.” She slid closer and leaned into his space, making him lean back while he had a look of suffering on his face.

“No thanks, I’m good.”

“Catherine! What the hell are you doing, lazing around?!” Thankfully he got saved by Otose-san, but of course her shout made trouble in the form of a silver permed human, join their small company.

“Yeah, get lost you ugly old hag. I feel like puking my guts out just by seeing your face.”

The lazy voice drawled out from behind her. She turned and saw Gintoki looking at them with a lazy manner, his lip busted open.

“Who you calling old hag, you thief?!” Catherine snapped back, pushing up her sleeves, ready to beat the lights out of him. Otose stopped her by pinching her ear and pulling her away from them.

“In case you forgot, the thief character is you, you know!” he called out to her. His eyes rested on the two of them and his left eyebrow raised up. “What’s this? Is this spot reserved for chain smokers?”

“Fuck of Yorozuya, I came here to get away from you and drink in peace.” Hijikata-san grunted, immediately emptying his cup and pouring another. Gintoki’s eyes gleamed. Tsukuyo scooted away when she saw that. Gintoki leaned forward and put one arm around Hijikata-san’s shoulders, the other reaching to take the cup out of the man’s hand. Ignorant of the growl and killing intent, he knocked back the drink. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked at Hijikata with a devilish smirk.

“Oho, you wanted to get away from me, Hijikata-kun~? You know if you wanted to get away from me, it’s through that door. Unless you’re too blind to see it? If that’s it, do you want me to help you?” He grinned, challenging him. Hijikata glared back, not backing down.

If one was in Tsukuyo’s position, they would see that these two idiots were way too close with each other. Like, their bodies were pressed together, their faces a hair width apart, noses brushing against each other, and teeth threatening to bite the other’s lips. The picture in front of her, crossed out all meanings of social distancing in every dictionary. It was like they both forgot that Tsukuyo was awkwardly sitting just right next to them, they were both too busy in their glaring contest.

It was in that tense moment, Tsukuyo had that thought, that one thought that began this whole fic. _‘Oh, they must be gay for each other.’_

Then Hijikata-san pulled his head back, and head butted Gintoki hard in the nose. Gintoki remained out cold through the rest of the night.

* * *

A week passed after that. The day just turned into afternoon and Tsukuyo was just getting ready for patrol when one of the girls came and reported that the Shinsengumi were in Yoshiwara. What in the world are they doing here? Aren’t they worried their image will get ruined? (It’s already ruined Tsukki, don’t worry about it.) Oh, okay author-san.

When she came to see the matter for herself, she came face to face with Hijikata-san again. The man sighed at her questioning gaze, knowing what it must’ve looked like.

“Normally we wouldn’t butt into your business, but there’s a guy we’ve been trailing, and we have inklings that he’s been hiding in Yoshiwara.”

“Ah ladies, don’t be fooled. Hijikata-san just hasn’t been getting off lately, so he was hoping your company could help him release his stress.” An innocent voice declared from behind Hijikata-san. It was that sadist boy, Okita Sougo.

“Sougo. Shut the fuck up.” Hijikata bristled, his form trembling from effort of not cutting his subordinate down. Tsukuyo cut in before that happened.

“What does this guy look like?”

He sent her look of gratitude then started to explain.

* * *

They found the guy in short time, but then they had to play a game of chase around the whole Yoshiwara. And of course, the Shinsengumi decided to own up to the violent tendencies they usually display, namely firing bazookas. Fortunately, only two buildings suffered the damages. By that time, the sky was starting to turn dark.

“How much are the damages? We’ll make sure to pay for everything.” Hijikata sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck, one hand already pulling out a pen and check out of his coat automatically, as if he did this too many times.

“Ah, it’s alright. You were just doing your jobs. Besides you helped to unload one unnecessary burden from Tsukki’s shoulders.” Hinowa gently smiled at him, despite the background consisting a burning building and water hoses trying to put it out. Hijikata realizing this, blushed in embarrassment and insisted again.

“I know what you could do!” Hinowa clapped her hands. “If you really want to pay us so badly, why don’t you and your friends spend one night with our ladies? Not only you get to pay, but you can also relax as a reward!”

“No, no, that’s not necessary-” Hijikata immediately began to deny the offer but then Sougo popped up beside him.

“Eh, why not Hijikata-san? This could prove to be a good opportunity for Tetsu-kun to lose his cherry-boy act.” Sougo pointed at a chubby officer, bumbling and bowing 90 degrees to one of the girls, loudly apologizing for apparently touching her hand.

“You idiot! If he loses his cherry-boy act, he’ll lose his whole identity!” Hijikata hissed back at him.

“Oh, come now. Just for one night?” Hinowa pleaded, smiling innocently while holding up one finger. Hijikata stared hard at her before sighing loudly, tipping his head back to the sky.

“Fine.” He gritted out that one word, as if it took his whole life out of him. Which may have done. With that one word, the whole squad cheered, immediately quieting down at the deadly glare their vice-commander sent them. Though their delight didn’t dwindle at the slightest, and they followed the courtesans into one of the intact buildings, chattering excitedly. Hinowa followed after them, throwing a wink at the two of them as she passed by them. By the time everyone disappeared inside, it was only Hijikata and her remaining outside.

Hijikata pulled out his pack of cigarettes and his lighter, lightening a stick hanging from his lips. He puffed before releasing the lighter, and pulled the cigarette away to blow a long trail of smoke into the sky. Tsukuyo waited for him to do so before speaking up with humor in her voice. “shall we?”

He grumbled back as an answer and then, they walked side by side. This time, there was a comfortable silence between them.

“You’re gonna suck our wallets dry.”

“Think of it as compensation for the buildings.”

* * *

“I told you not to drink more than two cups.” Hijikata sighed at the figure that was hanging between his arms. Tetsu-kun mumbled something about ‘so smooth’ and ‘brand of moisturizer’ and then passed out dead cold in his superior’s arms. Hijikata sighed again before calling out to one of his men. “Harada.”

A bald man who was laughing with a pair of ladies, immediately set upright and excused himself. He showed up next to the Vice-commander and wordlessly hoisted the boy over his shoulders.

“Where the hell is Sougo?” The bald man pointed at the back of them. Tsukuyo and Hijikata turned, only to see Sougo barely keeping himself upright and hiccupping on his way to them. He tripped over a rock but Hijikata caught him easily before he could face plant on the cold, hard floor. There was something in his moves, like he was practiced for this. As if that wasn’t enough to make Tsukuyo wonder, it was his next words that reminded her of that night.

“I swear to god; one drunk sadist is already enough for me to handle. I don’t need you to turn out like him.” Hijikata muttered, his words flying with the wind and going right through her ears, like in those childish cartoons that she and Seita watch together.

Somehow, the time it took to think about this new revelation of hers seemed like years, but then a hand waved in front of her and broke her trail of musings. It was Hijikata-san, with a small look of concern on his face but it passed quickly when they met each other’s eyes.

“Thank you for your time. We’re just gonna head back now.” He informed her.

“Wait!” She urgently called out to him. He looked back at her, politely not saying anything but his eyes were screaming _what more do you want from us?_ She tried to gather her courage, so she wouldn’t regret not asking him later.

“Can we talk for a second?” She cleared her throat. “I have a, um, a question.”

He stared at her for a long moment. He then turned his head to nod at the men behind, giving a silent permission to go on without him.

After they left, it was again only the two of them in the red lit streets. She walked to an alley to gain privacy, Hijikata’s footsteps falling behind her. The alley they walked into was dark, the only light was the silver rays shining upon them from the moon. When it became apparent that they were far enough from anyone, Tsukuyo abruptly turned around to face him. She didn’t even give him a chance to ask or say anything.

“You like Gintoki.” A statement. Not a question, just a blunt statement.

He didn’t say anything. At first he gaped surprised, but then his features steeled, the silent gentleman that accompanied her throughout the night was long gone.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Instead it was the demonic vice commander coldly glaring at her. Without speaking out the words, he gave her a chance to take back that statement. But she didn’t.

She didn’t relent and only stared back hard at him, her own eyes were cold but daring him to back out. Their bodies were like chords strung back tight, ready at any moment to snap.

Thankfully no fight broke out, only a long loud sigh filled the silence. Hijikata now glared at her with tired eyes. “You really wanna do this now?”

Tsukuyo stared mildly surprised. She hesitantly nodded, her body just relaxing. Hijikata took his time to answer by pulling out his lighter and cigarette. By the time he lit one and breathed in the familiar smoke, Tsukuyo was waiting patiently but expectantly for him. He exhaled, not looking at her, instead, he was looking at the smoke that was trailing up to the sky.

“Yeah, I like him. So what?” He still didn’t look at her, now contented to look at the moon above them, leaning his head on the wall behind him.

Tsukuyo paused. Honestly she didn’t plan this out. She sort of expected of him to be more in denial, but hearing him confirming her, threw her off. She tried to arrange her thoughts back in order, and finally decided on what to say.

“Why won’t you tell him?” She asked quietly. He finally looked at her, his blue eyes now shining with the light of the moon.

“Why won’t you?”

Okay, it was clear this guy wasn’t gonna let her have any kind of control in this conversation.

He gave her a moment to collect herself. “I was there that night at the palace,” he explained. “I saw what happened when you thought Sasaki shot him,” He paused to take another drag. “After that, it was pretty clear.” Then he looked like he was considering something, his eyes gazing at nothing.

“Although I must be pretty screwed if the Death Courtesan can tell my feelings.” He chuckled, like he was telling a joke to an audience. Tsukuyo didn’t laugh.

“That still doesn’t explain why you won’t tell him.” She implored. She doesn’t know why she was suddenly interested in this, but it was too late to back down.

“You know as well as I do that that guy doesn’t belong to anybody. Hell will get frozen over if he ever asks me to be his boyfriend. If he ever finds out about these,” _Feelings_ , he gestured wordlessly, “He would freak out, and everything will get ruined between us.” He paused taking a breather of not fresh air, but poison gas.

“That’s why I’m gonna let it be, appreciating the moments I’m lucky to get.” A smile played on his lips, but the feelings behind it contradicted with every word he said.

“If that’s all, then I’ll be taking my leave.”

And just like that he ended the conversation, just like how he reigned it, turning around briskly and disappearing in the shadows. The silver light of the moon danced on the empty spot.

Suddenly, there was a loud clatter behind her, the kunais were in her hand before the sound diminished. She cautiously neared the dumpster where the loud noise came from. When she saw what or rather _who_ caused it, she let out a groan.

“What the hell Gintoki?”

Collapsed against the dumpster, was Sakata Gintoki drunk out of his mind as usual, but he had an unusual sharp look in his eyes that were gazing through her, and instead of having a flushed face, his face was only pale.

She realized terribly what happened but still felt the need to make sure.

“Gintoki…did you?” _Hear everything? Felt the same as him?_

Gintoki’s neck snapped up, as if he just realized she was in front of him.

“What did you expect me to do?” he cried out. “Not once but twice you guys start talking with each other, when you never had a single contact in the show, now you suddenly do? I was investigating on behalf of the fans, dammit!”

“You…”

“I’m not gay!” he cut her off franticly. “I’m not!”

While struggling to get up, he started muttering something about ‘it was a joke’ and ‘a prank, definitely a prank’ and stumbled back the way he came from.

Finally, Tsukuyo was alone. Alone to gather her thoughts, sort them out and assess them.

She has reached her decision.

She pulled out a flip phone, the case was pink and had four charms dangling from it. A bottle, a sword, a pair of glasses and a moon.

It only had one contact. She pressed on it. It took only three rings before a feminine voice answered her, the loud mix of laughing and cheering serving as background.

“Oh my, Tsukuyo-chan, I never expected you to use this call.”

“A-ah, I’m here. sorry, I’m not used to the ringtone.”

“It’s okay kyuu-chan.”

“Tsukki, this better be important, I was in the middle of my job.” A sick sound of twisting and a man screaming emphasized the sentence.

Tsukuyo took a long awaiting drag out of her kiseru, pausing for a moment.

“Code silver lint. I repeat Code silver lint.”

“On it.” Three voices, from three different places, said those two words simultaneously in such a grave manner, like the world was ending and they were the only ones who could save it. Tsukuyo merely smoked her kiseru with calm, pondering on what will happen next.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diamond perfume try to have a discussion about Gintoki. Keyword: try.  
> A surprising guest joins them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okokokokokokokok  
> First of all, I want to thank ALL of you guys who left kudos and comments and even bookmarked this story. I seriously didn't expect that! Especially on my first story! When I posted the first chapter, I tried to not expect anything thinking 'ok this is gonna get like maybe 9 kudos or something', but then every time I checked my email, well, let's just that my mind stopped working. Holy shit.  
> I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. Here's the 2nd chapter, Hope you like it as much as the first, kisskiss.

No one was speaking. It was a very tense situation, that even the birds didn’t dare to make a sound.

The four women were sitting around a table, their backs were straight as a board. The sound of clinking glasses startled them, bringing them to look at the source of the noise.

It was Shinpachi, who was now sweating buckets at the intense stare that the four most arguably strongest women in Edo were directing at him. He held a tray of drinks in his hands tightly, making his knuckles turn white.

Tae, sensing her brother’s nervousness, smiled gently at him, crinkling her eyes as she did so. The action only made him flinch back. He acted like a prey already caught between the claws of a predator.

“Thank you for bringing tea, Shin-chan.” She turned to the three woman sitting in front of her. “My brother is so polite, isn’t he? Bringing refreshments without being asked to.”

“Ah yes.”

“Very.”

“So polite.”

Shinpachi sputtered nervously, telling them how it was nothing, and that it was courteous to do so. He placed the drinks in front of each lady, and stood up, putting the tray under his arm. When he quickly tried to subtly make an escape, His sister’s voice melodically called out to him.

“Shin-chan?”

Turning too quickly, Shinpanchi tripped on his own feet. “Ye-yes Aneue?”

“Before you go to join Gin-san and Kagura-chan, can you do something for me?”

“A-anything Aneue!” Shinpachi fervently answered, dropping on his knees next to his sister. Tae held one of her cheeks in her hand, her expression befitting of one who has no hope to live.

“I lost one of my hair pins on my way home. It was a very dear one to me, can you try to find it for me?” Her tone was sweet and innocent, like one of those Disney princess that sang and danced with the woodland animals.

“What does it look like?” Shinpachi hesitantly asked, not looking forward to what he’ll hear next.

Tae paused, looking thoughtfully as she tried to remember the details.

“Well, it’s a delicate gold and natural jade craft of Kiyohime’s dragon head, and it also has white jade flowers and light pink pearls in the shade of early Sakura blossoms hanging from it. If I recall correctly, I ordered it from Am***n, two years ago.” Seeing her brother’s horrified look, she adopted her woeful expression again.

“It’s very dear to me.” She paused. “And expensive.”

“NEVER MIND THAT, WHERE DID YOU EVEN FIND THIS KIND OF THING?! AND WITH WHAT MONEY?!” Shinpachi panicked, obviously not buying her story, but a sound of sniffling made him pause in the middle of his yelling. Tae’s shoulders were shaking, her face was hidden behind her hand, in an attempt to muffle her voice.

“I understand Shin-chan,” She hiccupped, “Truthfully, I expected this to happen. After all, what kind of sister doesn’t tell her brother about these kind of things?” She dug the heel of her palms into her eyes, “I’m so awful!” More sobs wracked her whole body as she wailed, causing Shinpachi to panic for being the reason his sister was crying more or less.

“A-Aneue! Please don’t cry! I’m begging you!” He rubbed her back, desperately trying to comfort her. “Ca-Can you describe it again?” he stuttered.

Tae’s eyes peaked from behind her fingers. “It’s a gold and jade craft of Kiyohime’s dragon head,” her voice wobbled.

“And you said it had pink pearls?”

“Pink pearls in the shade of early Sakura blossoms,” she corrected him, “and also white jade flowers.”

Shinpachi hesitated, mentally scanning his choices. Finally reaching his decision, he smiled at her. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Oh Shin-chan really?!” Her mood instantly changed, her eyes now looking bright and filled with hope.

“Yeah it’s nothing! I’ll find it in no time.” He stood up and walked to the door. Before he walked out, he looked back at them again, smiling reassuringly. “I’ll bring it to you by the time you finish.”

“Good luck Shin-chan!”

The women’s well trained ears listened to the sound of Shinpachi’s footsteps fading away. Once they were completely sure the young boy was no longer around, Tae turned around to face them, with her smile still present and her eyes crinkled, yet the aura surrounding her was different and more dangerous.

“Well, that should keep him away for a while,” She put her elbows on the table and folded her hands, resting her chin on them, “now, tell me, Tsukuyo-chan,” She tilted her head and suddenly, the atmosphere dropped a few degrees and her aura got more murderous if that was even possible.

“What kind of shit is Gin-san trying to pull this time?”

Tsukuyo looked back at her, her violet eyes filled with intensity.

“Gintoki is gay.” She said, with the seriousness of someone telling them that the earth is round.

…

“Eh?”

“Gintoki? Are you talking about our Gintoki? That Gintoki?” Kyuubei enunciated each word slowly, her confusion clear.

“Yes, what other Gintoki would I be talking about?” Now, it was Tsukuyo’s turn to be confused. She wonders if it was a correct choice coming to them.

“Ah, ok.”

………

“So are we still talking about that Gintoki?”

“We’ve been talking about him since the beginning! Hell, the reason we’re all here, is because of him!”

Sachan started laughing hysterically.

“Tsukki, are you out of your mind? Everyone knows that Gin-san is straight. If you’re not convinced, I have evidence of him ****** me and ******** me and also ****** and **** my *****. I have the photos right here-” A punch to her face broke her glasses.

“No one wants to see those disgusting photos.” Otae stated darkly. She drew her fist away and cleared her throat. She faced towards Tsukuyo. “Ah, Tsukuyo-chan. The reason we’re skeptical, is that… well, it’s just… half of the time in the show, he’s perving on women;”

Well, she isn’t wrong about that. In fact, Tsukuyo, now remembers her own less enjoying experiences with Gintoki. She blushed before ripping apart the image in her head.

Otae lifted a finger to her chin, looking thoughtful. “At the very least he’s bisexual. Since he has slept with men before.”

“WAIT, WHAT?!” Sachan lurched up from where she was laying down. Her eyes were bugged out, and thin trails of blood were streaming down her face. She looked like she just came out of a shoot for a horror movie.

“Sarutobi-san, you didn’t know? Throughout the whole show, other than some poor, mentally ill women, Gin-san has also slept with two men.” Otae smiled widely towards Sachan.

“HOW COME I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THIS?!” Sachan dug her fingers in her hair and twisted her strands. Her body started shaking violently. “I have to find out…I have to find out who…,” her head snapped towards Otae. She grabbed her shoulders and started shaking her, all the while screaming in her face. “OTAE! TELL ME WHO VIOLETED GIN-SAN’S BODY?! TELL ME THEIR NAMES-”

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH!” Otae yelled and punched Sachan in the face again, apparently having enough of the rough treatment.

She tried to smooth down the wrinkles in her clothes, all the while glaring down at Sachan’s body. “And don’t make jokes like that Sarutobi-san. Somebody violating Gin-san? Shouldn’t that be the other way around? Gin-san’s role would suit the perpetrator more than the victim.” she huffed. “If you must know, it was that stalker friend of yours and the sunglasses man.”

“EEEEEEHH?! GIN-SAN BONKED THAT GORILLA?!”

“Guys…” Tsukuyo tried to get them back to focus, already getting tired of this unnecessary dilemma.

“It’s not Gorilla! It’s Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla!” A muffled masculine voice yelled out from above of them.

…

“Crap.”

Otae stood up without a word, and pulled her Naginata out from behind a dresser. She walked back to stand underneath where the voice came from, raised her Naginata, and plunged it into the ceiling. Blood gushed out.

“AAAAAh!” Kondou fell from above, face flat on the floor. His hands were clutching his bleeding ass.

“Hiding in the ceiling, just how unoriginal can you get?” Sachan and scoffed, pushing her broken glasses up her nose. “More importantly…YOU SLEPT WITH GIN-SAN?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!” She tried to jump on Kondou but thankfully, Kyuubei held her back with her immense strength. Sarutobi didn’t let that stop her from ranting and yelling how Kondo was supposed to be her friend and such. Meanwhile, Otae walked towards Kondou with a smile that screamed _You’re gonna die_.

“Ah Kondou-san! I didn’t realize it was you! You see, there’s this pervy Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla that stalks me everywhere, and you looked a lot liked him for a second that I thought it was actually him. My mistake.” Despite saying that, Tae stabbed him again in the ass.

“AAAAH!”

“Guys…”

“Otae-saaan! wait!” Kondou awkwardly crawled back, with one hand raised in front of him and the other rubbing his now bleeding sore ass. “Please listen to me! For once, I’m not looking for your underwear-”

“Do you want to die?” Tae’s voice suddenly got deeper, and she went into killer mode. she thrusted the Naginata forward, but Kondo dodged and the blade barely missed his face, instead stabbing the floor. The blade glinted in the light and Kondo watched, horrified, as the blade got roughly pulled, causing splinters of wood to fly in the air. Otae aimed the Naganata towards his face again.

“WAIT, waitwaitwaitwait, I’m here to help Toshi!” Koundo yelled out the words with panic, in a desperate attempt to save his life. The blade paused. He held his breath, didn’t even dare to sigh with relief when it backed away. Kondou gulped, the sound embarrassingly loud in the room.

“What does Hijikata-san have to do this?”

Tsukuyo, who was the only one sitting at the table, let out a tired sigh. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” she tapped her Kiseru into the ashtray, and stood up to walk over to them. “Hijikata-san likes Gintoki, and Gintoki likes him back. But Gintoki doesn’t know that he likes him back.”

Everyone in the room quieted down, as they slowly processed the words Tsukuyo told them. Then all of their eyes lit up. Well, only Otae and Kyuubei’s. Sachan just started shrieking for a different reason.

“Oooh.”

“That actually makes much more sense.”

“Tsukuyo-chan, why didn’t you say so from the beginning?”

“I thought that this wouldn’t have happened for anytime soon! I Thought I still had time!”

Tsukuyo paused.

“Wha-wait, so you guys know?”

“Everyone knows.” Kyuubei sighed tiredly and walked back to sit at the table. she rested her cheek on her palm and her eye looked at Tsukuyo with boredom. “Everyone knew for a while. There’s even a betting pool on when these two will get together.”

Tsukuyo looked back at her with bewilderment. She turned to look at Sachan, who was still shrieking.

“Even…?”

“Yes, even her. Though it makes her more determined to make Gintoki hers.”

Huh. That explains her more vigorous attempts from the last few times.

“So, Tsukuyo-chan, what happened?” Otae looked at her with unabashed curiosity. “Something must’ve happened between Gin-san and Hijikata-san; am I correct?”

Knowing Tae, she would want to know every miniscule detail, and even if you tried to evade her, she would sniff you like a hellhound and pry out every. single. detail.

So Tsukuyo decided to save herself from that trouble and told her everything.

After she finished the whole story, Otae and Kyuubei looked at her with confusion and even Sachan, narrowed her eyes because of the absurdity of the story. It may have also been because her glasses were destroyed and that she was squinting because she couldn’t see properly.

“So what you’re saying is that… Gin-san was acting like an idiot? Again?” Otae uttered those words slowly, her rising fury making veins throb in her forehead.

Tsukuyo, sensing that Gintoki’s life or manhood are at danger of ceasing to exist, quickly tried to rectify it. “To be fair to him, he was drunk.”

Thankfully, Otae considerably calmed down, but she still sniffed and turned her head. “The level of idiocy that shitty man has, doesn’t change much. Even when he’s sober.”

“So Hijikata-san is set on not confessing to Gintoki?” Kyuubei questioned.

“He thinks Gintoki doesn’t return his feelings.”

“Well. That is clearly ridiculous.”

“That’s where Toshi is wrong, he does.” The serious response came from Kondou this time. He was awkwardly sitting in lotus pose, shifting and raising his butt every second. “Well, if what you said is true, then Yorozuya still hasn’t fully realized that he likes Toshi. Toshi was like that at the beginning too.”

“That, and that he’s also experiencing the process of figuring out his sexual orientation, probably.” Otae spoke up. At their questioning looks, she continued. “Think about it. After all, even though has he slept with two men already, the situation in both times made it seem more like an accident. So, he probably still thinks he’s straight.”

“…If that’s it, then this just got a whole lot more complicated.” Tsukuyo sighed.

Nobody said a word for a while as they thought about the whole situation. Finally, someone decided to speak up.

“…So what? You’re gonna let that stop you?” Surprisingly, the quiet retort came from Sarutobi. She pushed something on her glasses, that caused new lenses to replace the broken ones. She placed them back on her face and looked at Tsukuyo.

“I don’t know about you Tsukki, but I refuse to have another rival who’s just gonna stand by and not even try to do anything.” Her face and tone were serious when she said those words. Seeing everyone’s shocked faces, she scoffed and looked the other way.

“Don’t get me wrong, I just wanna see what’s so special about this Demon Vice Commander that has caught MY Gin-san’s attention.” She flipped her hair, obviously trying to act in character again. Kondou chuckled and raised himself up with difficulty to walk over to the Engawa.

“Ha, she’s right. After all, if anyone’s gonna help Toshi achieve his love, one of them definitely has to be me.” He stopped and stood still on the porch. Then, he looked up to the sky.

“I always had a feeling that Yorozuya and Toshi were drawn to each other, one way or another. I tried to encourage him to it, but Toshi,” he winced, “Toshi hasn’t been much lucky in his love life. In fact, I can say that he doesn’t have much experience about love and relationships at all.” He hung his head, his voice turning guilty. “Actually, one of the reasons that he doesn’t, is the Shinsengumi. Throughout all these years, he has always worked hard and dedicated every hour of his life, to turn the Shinsengumi into what is today.” He opened his eyes, his voice slightly wobbly. “Shinsengumi wouldn’t be here, without him.”

The mood in the room turned somber, as past memories of a dark time and an island, started coming to the surface of minds.

“That’s why!” But then they got washed away, by the unwavering love and care in the man’s voice. A love that wasn’t just for any colleague or subordinate.

“That’s why I’ll kick Yorozuya in the head as many times it takes! To make him realize that he’s lucky if a man like Toshi cares for him!” his fists shook by his sides and his voice got more emotional with every word.

“Toshi deserves everything, but he doesn’t believe that. That’s why he needs someone, to stand by his side and show him that he does.” He finally raised his head. There was snot coming out of his nose, but nobody payed any mind to it. He stared into Otae’s stunned eyes with his own teary, but determined eyes. “And I believe, that there is no one else better than Yorozuya!” He finishes his speech.

For a moment, nobody said anything, instead they opted to watch not a pervy Gorilla, but the Commander of Shinsengumi. Nobody knew what to think of the heartfelt speech.

“I suppose you can be of help.” Otae finally said, her voice gentle. She was watching Kondou with softness, but then Kondo’s serious attitude changed, and suddenly, there was an ugly Gorilla in his place, crying tears and snot, making him look uglier.

Alright, never mind.

“Otae-chaaaaan!” he jumped the space between them to hug her and kiss her beautiful face with his snot and salty tears covered lips. Instead of smooth skin, a punch met his face and sent him flying across into the yard.

“Tae-chan, what’s the plan?” Kyuubei ran across the yard, and started kicking the unconscious body, for daring to go near her beautiful Otae-chan.

“We will have to make Gin-san realize he likes Hijikata-san, of course.” Otae cheerfully replied. She gleefully watched the beating in front of her.

“How are you going to do that? Didn’t you just say that Gintoki thinks he’s completely straight?” Tsukuyo walked and stood next stood her, a hand holding her Kiseru.

“I believe I can be of help in that part.” Kyuubei paused in the middle of her kicking. “While I may have struggled figuring out if I’m a man or woman, I’ve always known that I wanted Tae-chan ever since I saw her.” Kyuubei crossed her arms and nodded her head.

“HA! You think that’s something to brag about? I’ve known I was meant for Otae-chan ever since my mother popped me out of her-”

“Kyuu-chan.”

“Hai.”

The sound of a sword sliding out of its sheath, filled the air.

“You sure about him?” Sachan stood next them and watched, not bothering to help the Gorilla that slept with her Gin-san.

“Ah, believe it or not, we do unfortunately need him. For if you want to strike down someone as important as THE vice commander of Shinsengumi,” she looked back at the censored scene in front her, as things quickly turned into R18+, judging by the screams and the occasional drops of blood splattering on the ground in front of them. “we need someone from the inside.”

“Wait, strike down? What’s your plan, exactly?” Tsukuyo asked, her brows furrowing in worry. Otae said nothing. She just smiled. But boy, was that smile horrifying.

That smile screamed demonic plans, that can make someone end up in the hospital, even just by accident. That smile meant evil schemes, that if anyone ever got in the way of them, their bodies will probably end up in the bottom of the ocean.

Tsukuyo thought that maybe, it wasn’t a correct choice coming to these guys. A tortured scream tore through the air. Yeah, definitely not. Tsukuyo mentally sent an apology to Gintoki and Hijikata-san.

* * *

“That’s some plan. You sure it’s gonna work?” The doubtful question came from Tsukuyo, the only voice of reason in this group of crazy people. Plus, a Gorilla.

“Trust me.”

Tsukuyo still looked at her doubtfully. She exhaled smoke and decided to direct her question at the surprisingly still alive Gorilla commander.

“You’re okay we’re doing this to your vice commander?” She raised her eyebrow at the bruised and bloodied man. His clothes were torn up and his skin was swollen and purple in many different places, making him look unrecognisable. He sure was resilient like a cockroach.

“Toshi might feel a little uncomfortable, but once he gets together with Yorozuya, he will be really happy, I’m sure of it!” Kondou guffawed, but immediately winced.

Tsukuyo is not sure about that. In fact, she thinks that Hijikata-san will most definitely kill them.

* * *

At the barracks, Hijikata sneezed again for what was probably, the 100th time in the day.

“Fukuchou, you sure are popular today.”

“Get back to work Yamazaki.”

* * *

“Tsukuyo-chan do you doubt me?” Otae put her hand on Tsukuyo’s shoulder, griping it lightly.

Wait, was that a trick question?

“No?”

“Then trust me when I say it’s gonna work.” She patted the same shoulder, with a bright expression. Tsukuyo heard or felt three sighs of relief from behind her. She doesn’t know why they would be relieved though.

Otae looked at the sky darkening, realizing how much time has passed.

“Alright, Shin-chan might be home any minute, you guys should go.”

After she waved her hand at the ladies and kicked the Gorilla out into the streets, she walked back inside.

When she sat down on the Tatami covered floor, she mentally went through her genius plan again, and thought about how soon can they act on it. If Gin-san will confess to Hijikata-san by the end of the month, which she has placed her bet on. She gleefully imagined the amount of money she will get by the end of this.

 _Yes,_ Otae thought. _Once Gin-san confesses to Hijikata and marries him, in order to repay his debt to me, he’ll give me 80 percent of Hijikata-san’s savings._

At that moment, the Yorozuya trio slammed the door open, forcing a small scream out Otae’s throat. The three were gasping hard, leaning with their hands on their knees. Shinpanchi collapsed on the floor and started whimpering. Before Otae could ran towards her brother to check on him, a small object got thrown into her lap. When she looked at it, her mind only blanked.

“There ya go,” Gintoki gasped hard and fell on the floor. He leaned back on his hands to try and catch his breath. “Your shitty dragon Kiyohime with the white jade flowers and fucking pink pearls,” he paused to gulp some air and looked directly at her. “in the shade of early sakura blossoms.” He sneered and mocked her words.

Kagura jumped up from where she was laying. “Anego! After Shinpachi told us you lost your hair pin, we asked around town and learned there’s one like it in a jewelry store-”

“It wasn’t a Jewelry store, it was a lost and found store.” Gintoki dug his pinky in his nose.

“We asked the old guy to give it to us, but then he said the price was 13 million yen-”

“13 million to win along as a prize-”

“So we snatched when he wasn’t looking, and then he rang some alarms-”

“A celebratory song to announce us as winners-”

“Then the police chased us and sadist was with them and I wanted to fight him, but Gin-chan said there was no time, so we had to run and we nearly ran over an old lady with Gin-chan’s scooter-”

“She’s still alive-”

“But then we found out that your pin was a fake and then the shitty sadist let us go to arrest that old guy-”

“And they allowed us to keep the ugly hair pin, since it rightfully belonged to someone else already,” Gintoki flicked a booger onto Shinpachi’s back. His lazy eyes looked at her mockingly, and her hand twitched with the burning desire to rip them out of his head.

“By the way, that is the ugliest thing I’ve ever saw in my life. Makes sense why you would own such a thing.”

* * *

Later at a hospital, a young doctor was looking at some medical files in hands. His eyebrows raised higher and higher with every word he was reading. He glanced at the three people standing in front of him. The red headed girl kept poking the glasses wearing the boy next to her, that looked pretty dead inside. The other woman was smiling at him. He decided that she was the safest to ask questions.

“How exactly did the Mr. Sakata gain six broken fingers, two broken ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and one broken leg?”

The woman’s smile widened, and he instantly regretted asking her. He could feel his sweat gathering at the back of his neck.

“He got ran over by his scooter.”

The doctor decided not to ask anymore questions of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> - **Kiyohime** is a character in the story of Anchin and Kiyohime, a Japanese folklore. In the story, she fell in love with Anchin, but got rejected. So she chased after him, and transformed into a dragon and killed him.  
> -Sachan was hard to write, I had to watch a couple of episode again to gain an understanding of her personality.  
> -I also took inspirations from pintrest to describe the hairpin, but I think with the way I described it, it would've looked like a very ugly hairpin.

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii everyone! I hope you're all having a good day.  
> So this was my first fic getting posted ~~please have mercy~~ , so I'm kinda nervous, but please tell me your thoughts!  
> aaaah, I love Tsukki, she's such an angel. so what do you think the girls are planning?


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